so long... solo

The past few weeks have been hectic... emotionally.

The pre-wedding solo trip isn't going to happen I'm afraid, no thanks to procrastination on my part, in both dragging my feet at making travel arrangements and leaving wedding prep stuff to the last minute.

Memory doesn't serve me well when I try to think what busy-ness I have been up to. Perhaps the actual tasks are not as draining as the emotions I need to manage. In the office, the team atmosphere has been going through a tough transition, half a year ago, there's much laughter & jokes in the team - now there's mostly silence everyday - blame on the economic crisis, everyone's struggling to keep the team performance up. we all know the low morale isn't helping, but sometimes, to avoid getting ourselves into trouble by opening our mouths, just burying our heads in work seems like a pretty good idea.

I don't know if there's a word to describe how I've been feeling for the last few weeks, some kind of stuffiness in the chest, making it difficult to even take a deep breath - psychological or physical? I really have no idea.

Conflicts have been rife lately - at work, at home, thankfully KT and I are doing well. Unexpectedly our relationship has become closer, more intimate & honest - I think it's healthy. But somehow on the other hand, I find the other side of me - the side that emotes - somehow feels stifled.

What will married life be like? How different will it be from the life I am living now? Psychologically, emotionally & socially... I am at a loss at how to prepare myself. I suppose this is what they forgot to tell us at PMC? Haha... there's still much things I have not done... which I want to do... learn to appreciate the arts, for example. I suppose it would indeed be unrealistic to expect marriage to change nothing, I still pray that it'll be lessons of value that I can testify of as the years pass. After all, the constitution of marriage is the decision and act to commit 2 lives to love each other forever - more importantly, an earthly example of the love between the Bridegroom & His Church... oh what lessons lie ahead? So mysterious... exciting yet intimidating...

These few weeks, he's been treating me nicer & nicer... doing things for me that he has never offered to do before. Perhaps it's his way of assuring me, after all, I've already chickened out once - thinks the cynic in me. Though the other part of me believes, it is out of the goodness of his heart and pureness of his love for his wife-to-be. He had after all only recently confided how hard he found it to really accept another person's influence and impact on his life - and finally for once, I feel he is not paying lip service, he had truly started practising it.

I'd be lying if I said I am not afraid now... but it is something I wanna do... with the grace of the One, who told me not to give up this r/s, each and every of the umpteen times I have sat before Him & wept in pain. Dear God, let me always hear this voice of Yours... all the more daily after 2 May...